I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.