I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.