My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.