@Erroneous_Me: I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol, and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.
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@Donna_McCoy: You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
@DanMentos: "Your son's been involved in a shenanigan" What kinda shenanigans? "It was just one shenanigan" You called me down here for one shenanigan?
@Cali_Kid_Mike: "You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like shit."
@Brampersandon_: BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death* ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*