I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph