@qwertying: I hate people who say 'Age is just a number' — Age is clearly a word.
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@Brampersandon_: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down ME (having panic attack): sorry I've never flown before PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
@QwertyJones3: [speed dating] HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead. ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@Jade_VK: Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster