I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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Cause of death: Zumba
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Left at a local drug store…
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly