@carlielyn: I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

@david8hughes: "The best things in life are free." ~ shoplifters.

@somecleverthing: you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

@dave_cactus: Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it's Tuesday. My car still thinks it's 1987.

@dubstep4dads: "you okay man?" listen dude... i know what im doing *lights a cigarette backwards* ive seen Guy Code like six times