I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Saw online –
Very good news from my accountant
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier