Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
i actually laughed 😩
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years