I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
lmfao come on
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?