I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.