I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
this is the best day of my life
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Batman v Dracula
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning