Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
You Might Also Like
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
This classic never gets old . . .
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.