I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
You Might Also Like
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.