I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
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it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
This is my pinned tweet
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
That was easy.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I get distracted pretty eas
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.