@CroweJam: I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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@Dawn_M_: Don't date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it's teeth at you.
@ChrisThayerSays: I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
@_sweet_ham: I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
@Storminika: Me: 'Why are you going through my phone?' BF: 'Do you have something to hide?' Me: 'I'm gonna have a body to hide if you keep it up.'