I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The glory of fall.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.