@KimmyMonte: I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.
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@SirEviscerate: If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
@JKickinit30: I just want a shirt pocket chipmunk who flips people off and I reward him with pistachios cuz he’s worth it.
@AmishPornStar1: If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
@dafloydsta: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat. [camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]