I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.