I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”