Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
channeling her this year
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack