my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.