I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
#Caturday
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky