@XplodingUnicorn: Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow? Me: Sure. Can't wait to see you. Him: I land at 5 AM. Me: I have no brother.

@prsnprincess: If I'm lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?

@AGStr8upNinja: I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

@JeremyKCMO: 'I'm sure it's just water,' I mumble as I sit down on the gas station toilet.

@GingerHotDish: The only time I've ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.