@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding night] Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@SCbchbum: I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: what should I do? Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress.. Me: right but like realistically

@ArfMeasures: [1st day at work] BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here ME: That's great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

@Vodkantots: Grilled cheese is just regular cheese that's been forced to account for its whereabouts last night between 9:30 and 11.