@TheCatWhisprer: I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they're too tight and they're already unbuttoned.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I'm stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
@murrman5: [on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*
@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
@SondraDeeMe: If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions. I'd be living in Government Assisted Housing.