[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
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I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Meow
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”