I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.