@inigoomontoya: I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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@Truculent67: Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
@AndyRuther: If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.
@_PerziaN_: Parents that tell u "it's just a little noise" when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud
@MAngelo505: What I said : Just a trim, please. What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.