I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?