When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
You Might Also Like
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I hate everything
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Smooooooth
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
multitasking lunch
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”