I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.