@thequeensheart: I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
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@Kalarlis: 007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, "The name's Bond, Hydrogen Bond." Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
@omgthatspunny: Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
@mynameisntdave: I can't wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn't have to deal with it.
@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies