“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.