Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
2022 will be better than 2021
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love