I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I can’t wait!
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: