Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …