I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate