I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Put this video in the Louvre
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Art by Pastelkatto
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.