I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
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SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
@ candidates for local office
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something