Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
This kid is going places
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.