I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Peace was never an option
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.