*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”