@NYC_Blonde: I hate when my boyfriend's snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don't have a boyfriend and I'm going to die alone.
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@Reverend_Scott: dog 911: what's ur emergency? dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD? dog: [whimpering] dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
@Mr_Kapowski: New Coworker: So do you have any kids? Me: Yeah, one too many New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have? Me: One
@shegotagronk: If you're ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she's not hot enough to be that crazy.