I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Breaking news:
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.