I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it