Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
The glockness monster
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.