@kcmoore51: I hate when my wife says her friend at work "got flowers again today" and I have to kill that chick's husband.
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@timdonakowski: Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
@FattMernandez: I saw a car with "Wash Me" written on it, so I set it on fire. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow cars to become sentient!
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The "walk of shame" should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
@briangaar: Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing "thank you"