Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[eulogy]
line?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
No, he would not have.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try