[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.