I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
“No way.” -Jose
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing