I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
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Welcome
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*