I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I wish all tests were things you peed on
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
When you’re here for the treats.