I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
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“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁