@weinerdog4life: I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot"
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@SharkJelly: [1hr before date] Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he's at work, but I can't decide what outfit to put on the cat.