I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[eats all your cotton candy]
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr