I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
peeping toms
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”