@joeljeffrey: I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How's it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
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@DanielRCarrillo: If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
@MartaEffing: Her: omg, I'm SO happy for you! Me: *shaking head* No, no, no... I said I got 'enraged', today. Not 'engaged'.
@KalvinMacleod: [date] HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
@ibid78: [sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] "NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]