I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr