I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”